The social isolation of young adults

Close friends?

How many close friends do you have? By ‘close’, I mean people, other than family members, in whom you can confide about deep or shameful things; people to whom you can turn when you need some help—not momentary help, but help which will require them to go to some trouble for you.

A surprising number of young adults have few, if any close friends. A survey by UK Onward in Britain reported that between 2011 and 2021 there had been a threefold rise in the proportion of 18-34s who said that they had only one close friend, or none at all. 21% of this age group reported in 2021 that they had no more than one friend.[1] That’s more than one in five young adults. The number certainly includes a lot of university students. Another British survey found that a quarter of students said that they do not have any friends at university.[2]

This is not just a British problem. In an Australian study of nearly 1500 adolescents and young adults, more than one in three (37%) young adults aged 18-25 indicated a problematic level of loneliness.[3] In another survey, 54% of Gen Z Australians (those under 24 at the date of the survey) reported that they felt lonely either always, often, or some of the time.[4]

There has even been a big increase in loneliness amongst school students. Schools ought to be places where everyone has friends. Even the shy or nerdy ones ought to be able to find ‘birds of a feather’. Yet in a study of loneliness among one million year 10 students in the OECD, loneliness at school increased between 2012 and 2018 in 36 out of 37 countries (the one exception being South Korea). Nearly twice as many adolescents reported high levels of loneliness in 2018 as they did in 2012.[5] The increase in loneliness was particularly high in girls. Australia is certainly no exception. In 2003, 10.42% of students were rated as having a high level of loneliness.  By 2018, the proportion had risen to 34.43%.[6]

 Source: Twenge et al, (2021).

Loneliness as a serious health problem

Loneliness can be measured by the gulf between the degree of social interaction a person desires and the amount that they experience. We can be lonely in the midst of a crowd, or we can be alone but not feel lonely. We all vary in how much solitude we want or can tolerate. 

Loneliness is not a problem if it is fairly short term. It is an ordinary life experience. We may initially be lonely when we move to a new place for work or study. We can feel lonely when we are going through an intense and difficult period in our lives and we cannot relate to other people’s seemingly happy and contented lives. Such seasons of social isolation are part of life in a geographically mobile society. We can gain resilience from such periods.

On the other hand, chronic loneliness—loneliness which is not just a temporary phase—is a serious problem. If you experience this kind of loneliness, having no close friends or maybe just one close friend, think of yourself as having a serious health problem—but one that is readily curable.

It really is serious. Prolonged loneliness is likely to have profound impacts, not only on your mental health—feeling depressed for example—but on your physical health as well. It has been estimated that lack of social connection when you are older affects the odds of dying by at least 50%, exceeding other known risk factors such as obesity, physical inactivity, or diabetes.[7] Some experts have likened it to the health effects of smoking fifteen cigarettes per day. And chronic loneliness can lead to a vicious spiral. You are depressed because you are lonely, and lonely because you are depressed. Feeling sad, you find it hard to get out and be with other people. So if you are lonely, you are at risk of experiencing ever increasing levels of social isolation.

Reasons for loneliness among young adults

Hannah Weickhart and I, in a recent Publica Paper, analysed the reasons why so many young adults are lonely.[8] There are a multitude of factors. The transition from adolescence to young adulthood is a period of significant change for people. Moving from school to tertiary education or the workforce can disrupt social connections. The rise of the gig economy and remote work has further complicated the social landscape for young adults. While gig work offers flexibility, it often lacks the stability and social environment of traditional employment. Similarly, the shift to online learning has reduced opportunities for in-person interactions, making it harder for students to build a sense of community.

Additionally, a significant proportion of young adults are neither working nor studying, which further isolates them. Financial constraints limit opportunities for social engagement and contribute to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

If there is one factor that matters more than any other though, it is our engagement with the digital world.

The digital world

Ours is perhaps the most socially connected generation in history. We live in an age when people can communicate almost instantaneously by email and messaging programs, talk with one another over video, and be in contact with a large number of others through social media. We have the possibility of maintaining friendships not only in our locality, community groups and workplaces, but all over the world.

The endless possibilities for social connection have many benefits; but it seems evident that interconnectedness through digital means has not ameliorated the problem of loneliness. Indeed, it is a major factor in the increase in this problem.

This is for at least five reasons. First, there has been a trade-off between digital connections and actually getting together with friends. Australian data indicate that young women aged 14-24 spend an average of nearly two hours a day on social media, and young men in the same age group spend more than one hour per day.[9] US data indicate that between 2006 and 2017 there was a sharp drop in the proportion of 15-16 year olds who said that they got together regularly with friends, either at home or going out to parties, movies, shopping malls or dating. During the same period, internet and social media use had increased greatly. The decline in face to face contact was roughly equally matched with increased use of the internet and social media.

U.S. 15-16 year olds, 2006–2017

Source: Twenge et al, 2019.[10]

Second, social media tends to promote quantity of relationships over quality. Vaughan Roberts observes that there is a difference between friending—relationships which are conducted almost exclusively in cyberspace—and friendship.[11] In friending, he notes, more is always better. In friendships, it is quality that matters. Social media creates very shallow connections. We may get a sense of validation through ‘likes’ and ‘shares’, but this passes in a moment, and ‘likes’ are a poor way to measure our self-worth. They are worth nothing compared to the value of knowing we are loved and cared for in close interpersonal relationships.

Third, digital communication involves social distance. We relate differently to those we see face to face compared with those we talk to on the phone or through an intermediary.[12] Friendships develop in at least some of the ways that relationships of love develop. Many people have found Gary Chapman’s work on this helpful. He described five love languages that are means by which different people give and receive love: loving words, kind actions, quality time, thoughtful presents and physical affection.[13]  Relationships with children and teenagers likewise benefit from love expressed in these different ways.[14] The love languages can have their application to friendships as well. Few of them are well-enabled by digital communication. Speaking the love languages in friendship will necessarily involve engaging with others in personal interactions.

Fourth, social media can cause young adults to feel isolated whether or not they have a lot of engagement with it. If they are not high social media users then they may feel cut off from communication with their peer group. Conversely, when they are on social media, they may observe what their friends or acquaintances are doing without them, and this may increase feelings of social isolation.

Fifth, even when we are with other people, we may not be with other people. We are not present in community if our heads are in our screens. There is no need to talk to someone in a queue if you can bury yourself in a phone. In this way, phones and other digital devices can separate us from those sitting beside us or standing next to us. We can be adjacent to another person and yet be living in another world.

The decline in intimate relationships

Another reason why so many young adults are lonely is that fewer are forming romantic attachments than a generation or two ago. This is not just about the decline of marriage. Cohabitation has not filled the gap by any means. On census night 2021, only 56.8% of 25-34 year olds were living with a partner.[15]  That is far less than in the mid-1980s, when at least 70% were married or living in a cohabiting relationship by the time they were 25-29, and nearly 80% were in such a partnership by the time they were 30-34 years old.[16]

There is a lot of talk these days about a sex drought, and it is real. Recent data in the US indicates that sexlessness in the last year among 22-34 year olds rose from 9% for males in 2013-15 to 24% in 2022-23. For females, it rose from 8% to 13 percent.[17] That is a massive, and quite unexpected, change in just a decade. It is consistent with a lot of other data.[18]

The sex drought, though, is actually just a symptom of the relationship drought. Young adults are forming fewer intimate partnerships, and while, of course, ‘feeling-free’ sex outside of a committed relationship happens, the hook-up generation of young adults is actually not hooking up nearly as much as people think. 

Tackling loneliness

How then can we address the problem of loneliness? The first thing is to recognise how serious a problem it is. You cannot tackle any issue in your life unless, first, you are ready to acknowledge it, and secondly you are motivated to do something about it.

A few ideas may help.

1. Get off your computer or smartphone more often. Computers and smartphones are an integral part of our lives and there is no point telling people to go back to the nineteenth century. As with so much else in our lives, the important thing is to achieve some balance.  Reducing your engagement with social media is very likely to improve your mental health. High use of electronic communication and screens is correlated more generally with decreases in self-esteem, life satisfaction and happiness for young people.[19] American research has shown that limiting social media use to about 30 minutes per day decreases depression and loneliness amongst university students.[20]

2. Take initiative—Invite people out for coffee or a drink. You will make a lot more friends if you are the one to take the initiative in getting to know others.  It really doesn’t take much to ask someone out for coffee. A couple of years ago, we moved to a new place where we knew very few people apart from family. I have been intentional about finding male friends. Every week, I try to organise coffee with someone, or organise to meet for lunch. I have actively sought out new communities to belong to, apart from my church. Yes, it takes a bit of effort, but it is worthwhile.

3. Find a community of like-minded people. You can’t form or maintain friendships from the isolation of your bedroom. Finding a community involves more than finding a group of people. Students gathered in a large lecture theatre are a group. They are not a community. Few may even talk to another before, during or after the lecture.  A residential college is a group of people. It may or may not be a thriving community. Much depends on the level of organised social events and other opportunities there are for interaction.

Communities are typically formed around shared interests. A neighbourhood can be a community, because people are mutually invested in caring for the area, and feel some level of commitment to look after one another, especially if adversity strikes. A sporting team provides community. So does a church. In fact, most churches are very welcoming places. Just introduce yourself and say you are new here. People won’t ignore you if they know you are new or have only started coming recently. The pastor will always be interested in meeting you. You don’t have to believe in order to attend, but you may find that you come to believe when you learn more about what the Christian faith is all about. Of course, other faiths such as Judaism and Islam may also offer community.

4. Seek support if you experience social anxiety. A major barrier to finding a community to which you can belong is social anxiety, and it is very common. Studies of the mental health issues of those under 25 indicate very high levels of anxiety, including social anxiety, especially for young women.[21] An Australian study found that the highest level of social anxiety was in the 18-20 age group.[22] The gregarious and socially confident are willing and able to join groups, even groups of strangers; but many others may find that too difficult. There is some wisdom in what Winston Churchill wrote, towards the end of his life: ‘When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of an old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened!’[23] Most of what we are anxious about never happens, and even if it does, it is usually not so terrible. Others are unlikely even to remember our momentary embarrassment after a while. There is a reason for that. You don’t actually matter to them enough for them to take much notice!

Leaders of groups, such as staff of residential colleges or pastors of churches, need to think about how socially anxious young adults can be supported to take the risk of participating in groups where they do not know others well. That may be achieved by structuring activities in which young adults can do things together in ways which allow for communication to happen incidentally. This could include opportunities for volunteering, or social activities built around common interests that may appeal to a number of more introverted people within this age group.

5. Actively pursue romantic relationships. Studies find that our intimate relationships, both in our families and our friendships, are what matter most for our health, wellbeing and life satisfaction. For most people, career success and academic achievement provide only limited life satisfaction, so in your late teens and twenties, exploring romantic relationships should be a very high priority.  No-one will go on a date with you if you don’t ask. And forget the old norm that men have to be the ones who ask women on dates. In choosing people with whom we may want to explore a romantic relationship, character matters so much more than looks or prospects of financial success. A good person, caring, forgiving, empathetic, fun to be with, will be in the long-term a much better partner than someone to whom you are attracted for superficial reasons.

6. Look for helpful resources. There are lots of resources to support people to make and maintain friends. Many people struggle in this area. One of the best is the Friendship Lab, developed by an Australian, Sheridan Voysey, and launched earlier this year. The Friendship Lab is a series of video sessions, helping you develop the skills you need to connect with others successfully.

Loneliness really is a huge problem for many young adults; but it is not an insuperable one. It does however, take some initiative to deal with it. And for everyone—treasure your close friendships. Keep investing in them. They are such an important part of living well.

Professor Patrick Parkinson AM is the Executive Director of Publica, a policy and advocacy organisation dedicated to building strong families, friendships and communities.